Frustration

So, I'm having a frustration day. I'm frustrated with the lack of weight loss that I'm seeing, even if I know it's my own fault. I'm just gaining and gaining, and even though I'm working out, it's not working. I might just be frustrated with myself, but I'm having a really had time motivating myself to do anything about it.

Yesterday I worked out quite a bit - an hour at the track, plus an hour of the Biggest Loser Ultimate workout and Zumba Fitness with my Xbox. But nothing. Just gain. I was really hoping to find my motivation since I'm not working, but I haven't found it yet. Yes, I'm only on day 4 of being officially off, but I don't know how many days off I'm going to have, and I was hoping to take advantage. Just not happening yet.

Mom and I are trying to figure something out, but so far, nothing.

I want to be able to get outside again, and go hiking, and walk the trails, and stuff like that, but it's -26 outside right now, and it's not an option. I want to get out on my snowshoes, but I still can't do that because it's too cold. Yes, that is an excuse, but seriously, there's a windchill warning for being out for more than 5 minutes. That's just impossible. It's supposed to get warmer out this weekend, so I want to take advantage, but I can't keep waiting for the warm weather.

Yesterday I went to the track even though I wasn't planning on leaving the house, which is good, but it's even getting monotonous. For me, it's just like going to the gym. Gets boring after a while. I mean, everything does. But I need to find a way to push through it.

I keep thinking about why I'm doing this. I'm actually pretty comfortable with my body right now, which is unusual. But I think that might be the slump that I'm in. Really, I need to start thinking more about WHY I'm doing this. WHY am I trying to lose weight.

1. To eventually have a baby. I know that you don't have to be skinny to have a baby - lots of overweight people have babies. But I want to be at my healthy weight when I have a baby to give it the best chance I can to be healthy. And, if I'm healthy while pregnant, it should be easier on me.

2. To be healthy. Not just for the reason I just said, but for myself. My family is riddled with health problems (on both sides - diabetes being the biggest on BOTH sides of my family, not just one) and I need to get my weight down to keep some of those things at bay.

3. Self esteem! HUGE! I was so much more confident when my weight was in the 160s. Right now, that's over 30 pounds away. So far. But, I felt so much better about myself. I know weight really doesn't matter to the people who matter, but you know how it is.

So, I know that there may be more reasons to want to get healthy, but these are mine. Now I need to figure out how I'm going to achieve it. I've tried Slim Fast, and had success. But I'm at home now. All the time. Slim Fast is not an option. I know that I should be trying to follow another diet, but the restrictions really get to me. My sister has told me about the Eat Clean Diet, and maybe today I'll stop in to Coles and pick up the book to see what it's like. I just don't know. If anyone out there has any tips for me, please message me! I'm just having a hell of a time. Need some ideas!

And I think support is an issue. John's too busy to really think about supporting me, and I get that, but maybe I need to sit down and have a chat with him about what I need from him. My mom is trying now, but it's hard too. She works a varying schedule, and right now it works for me, but once I'm back to work I'm pretty much on my own again. And that's really hard for me. That just means I need to figure this out on my own, I guess! Sigh.

Ok, time to get my butt in gear. John's expecting lunch (I forgot to make it for him last night so now I have to bring it to him) and I still haven't had a shower! Time to get my ass moving!

Have a good day all! If you have any ideas or inspiration for me, I'd love to hear it!

(PS: I did go to the bookstore today to look for the Eat Clean Diet book, but being as lame as usual, the bookstore did not have it, so I went back to my standby - The Biggest Loser. I bought the 30 Day Jump Start, so I'm going to take a read, figure it out, and make Monday the day everything changes. I'm still going to work out and things at home here and at the track, but I will definitely be changing it up - stay tuned!)